


Naked and (Un)Afraid

by bluefrogsbestfrogs



Category: X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: Drabble, F/M, Humor, Meta, Nonsense, Panama, Silly, mockumentary, ornery sea creatures, panamanian jungle, ridiculous number of sharks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-22
Updated: 2019-05-22
Packaged: 2020-03-09 19:52:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18923929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluefrogsbestfrogs/pseuds/bluefrogsbestfrogs
Summary: Two strangers. One man and one woman. They have no water, no food, and no clothes. Their challenge is to survive for 21 days. This is the Everest of survival challenges. Do Wolverine and Rogue have what it takes to survive...naked and afraid?





	Naked and (Un)Afraid

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by watching one episode of "Naked and Afraid", where I immediately realized that I had to put these two in a similar situation.

NARRATOR: Two Strangers…

WOLVERINE: We ain’t strangers, bub.

ROGUE: *snorts* Hardly.

NARRATOR: …One man, and one woman…

ROGUE: Two mutants, you mean.

NARRATOR: Both experienced survivalists have chosen to put their skills to the ultimate test.

ROGUE: Chosen? The hell kinda lie is that? We just appeared here, without our consent, thank you very much.

NARRATOR: They have no water, no food, and no clothes.

ROGUE: Wait. What? No clothes?

WOLVERINE: Jesus christ.

NARRATOR: Their challenge is to survive for 21 days…

WOLVERINE: *scoffs* Easy.

NARRATOR: Knowing that the human body can only live three days without water…

WOLVERINE: Again. Ain’t human.

NARRATOR: And begins to shut down after three weeks without food.

ROGUE: Dammit Wolverine, not all of us have healing factors we can just coast on.

NARRATOR: This is the Everest of survival challenges.

WOLVERINE: Don’t get pissed at me. This Narrator seems like they’re the one callin’ the shots.

NARRATOR: Can a man and woman, survive alone in the wilderness naked and afraid?

WOLVERINE: “Afraid”? You fuckin’ kiddin’ me, bub?

NARRATOR: Wolverine and Rogue have been taken to a remote section of the Panamanian jungle. Violent storms pummel the land, with winds up to 80 miles per hour, the same strength as a category one hurricane, and ten feet of rain annually. It’s hot and oppressively humid, causing instant crankiness to anyone who sets foot here. The surrounding oceans are home to over 3,000 species of sharks, poisonous fish, ornery catfish, meany meany stupid head stingrays, and dozens more untold vicious sea creatures whose only goal in life is to chew on delicious mutant flesh. Away from the useless beaches where they won’t be able to catch any fish, the land turns to a putrid swampy haven for untold numbers of mosquitoes, predatory caiman, nasty poisonous pit vipers all lying in wait…

CAMERA CUTS TO ROGUE FOR TALKING HEAD

ROGUE: Uh. Name’s Rogue. I have deadly skin that absorbs the life, memories and abilities of anyone or anything I touch. Originally from Mississippi, but been residing in New York with the rest of the X-Men for the past eight years. Have plenty of survival experience, doin’ what I do. Don’t know how the hell I ended up here. How did I end up here? What do you know? What did you do-

CAMERA CUTS HER OFF AND SWITCHES VIEWS TO WOLVERINE FOR TALKING HEAD.

WOLVERINE: *growls*

CAMERA CUTS TO BLACK QUICKLY AS WOLVERINE BEGINS TO STALK FORWARD.

ROGUE: Okay. Well. I guess I’m getting naked now.

WOLVERINE: Don’t know how the fuck yer makin’ me do this.

ROGUE: I really hope this doesn’t cause any weirdness between us.

WOLVERINE: Ain’t like I haven’t seen parts of her before. Shit happens on missions. But this is gonna be different. Weird.

CAMERA SHOWS THE PAIR WALKING TOWARD EACH OTHER.

ROGUE: Well…

WOLVERINE: Yup.

ROGUE: We’re naked.

WOLVERINE: Yup.

ROGUE: Good talk.

WOLVERINE: Yup.

NARRATOR: Wolverine and Rogue are each allowed to bring one essential survival item.

WOLVERINE: *Looks at Rogue’s chosen survival item* Really. A fuckin’ machete. When I have these? *snikt*

ROGUE: *rolls eyes* Fine, cowboy. What’d you bring that’s so essential?

WOLVERINE: *smugly pulls out a Firestarter*

ROGUE: *mockingly* Really? A fuckin’ Firestarter?

CAMERA CLOSE UP OF ROGUE’S OPEN PALM IN WHICH SHE HAS SUMMONED A FIREBALL

WOLVERINE: *sullenly* How the hell was I supposed to know you’d brush up against Pyro right before we got here.

NARRATOR: A small crew will capture the 21-day journey, with instructions not to intervene unless a medical emergency makes it absolutely necessary. In addition, Wolverine and Rogue are provided with handheld cameras to record their own experience from their own point of view.

SHOT FROM LOGAN’S CAMERA AS HE GLARES INTO IT, GROWLS, AND THROWS IT INTO THE OCEAN

ROGUE: You shouldn’t litter.

NARRATOR: A primitive map of the area has been given to Wolverine and Rogue, indicating their extraction point in the middle of the ocean, forty miles from their current location. They’ll need to hike thirty miles through the sweltering jungle, build a raft, sail it ten miles across shark infested waters, create a signal flare out of their raft and hope they’ll be rescued before the raft burns up and sinks to the bottom of the ocean weighed down by three hundred pounds of adamantium.

CAMERA SHOWS ROGUE LOOKING INTO IT WITH DISGUST.

WOLVERINE: I hate everything.

NARRATOR: The map also shows an area of high ground several miles north-east of their current position, flanked by all sorts of nasty jungle animals, which they’ll call home for the next three weeks. Staying where there are right now is dangerous, so they’ll need to trek through the caiman and bug infested swamp as quickly as possible.

ROGUE: Doesn’t seem so bad here.

WOLVERINE *Looks around* Yeah. Ain’t surrounded by a swamp. The beach seems swell.

NARRATOR: But leave they must! Because people don’t care if you’re having an easy time on the beach. Which is uh-surrounded by trillions of nasty inedible fish! Yeah.

ROGUE: *sighs*

WOLVERINE: *points at map* Looks like it’s gonna take us awhile to get there. You ready to go?

DAY ONE. 7:42AM TEMPERATURE: 89 DEGREES WITH 80% HUMIDITY

NARRATOR: As part of their selection process…

ROGUE: Again! Didn’t volunteer for this!

NARRATOR:…Wolverine and Rogue have undergone rigorous physical and psychological testing.

WOLVERINE: *growls* don’t remember that happening.

ROGUE: Me neither. Think they did something to our memories? This whole thing is shady as shit. Like someone wants an excuse for us to be naked together.

NARRATOR: *loudly* Their overall survival assessment has been evaluated by experts according to three categories…

WOLVERINE: Like to see someone evaluate this *snikt*

ROGUE: *Rolls eyes and looks at camera*

NARRATOR:…Skill…Experience…Mental. Wolverine’s experience as a feral mutant with a bloodthirsty desire to exact justice without regard to his own safety, along with his years of experience with the X-Men, Weapon X program, and Avengers…

WOLVERINE: *Narrows eyes* How the fuck you know all this about me anyway?

NARRATOR:…scores him highly.

WOLVERINE: *Grunts smugly*

NARRATOR:…but his cocky attitude and tendencies to overly rely on his adamantium claws and healing factor counts against him.

WOLVERINE: …the fuck?

NARRATOR: Rogue has tested her survival skills in a variety of environments. Along with the breadth of knowledge given to her by the dozens if not hundreds of mutants and humans she’s absorbed over the years, give Rogue a decided advantage. But her loner mentality could prevent her from working as a team.

ROGUE: “Loaner mentality”?! How the hell else was I supposed to act when I couldn’t touch anyone?!

NARRATOR: Wolverine and Rogue are given an overall Primitive Survival Rating, or PSR. Wolverine’s Primitive Survival Rating is set at 8.7

WOLVERINE: Beat that.

NARRATOR: Rogue’s is set at 9.1

WOLVERINE: The fuck?!

NARRATOR: Our experts will reassess their primitive survival rating at the end of the 21-day challenge.

CAMERA SHOWS WOLVERINE SLICING THROUGH THE JUNGLE WITH HIS CLAWS WHILE ROGUE OGGLES HIS VERY NAKED VERY MUSCLED BACKSIDE.

WOLVERINE: This is dumb. I didn’t sign up for this…

ROGUE: Keep goin’, sugar. I’m right behind you.

NARRATOR: Wolverine and Rogue now make their way through the jungle in search of a safe place to put their shelter, somewhere dry and safe from all those nasty animals we keep talking about.

DAY ONE. 11:28 AM TEMPERATURE: 92 DEGREES WITH 85% HUMIDITY

WOLVERINE: It’s fuckin’ hot.

ROGUE: Yup.

WOLVERINE: Humid as fuck, too.

ROGUE: Yup.

WOLVERINE: Mosquitoes are drivin’ me fuckin’ crazy.

ROGUE: Yup.

WOLVERINE: You listenin’ to me?

ROGUE: Yup.

NARRATOR: Wolverine and Rogue have finally made their way to camp. It’s now up to the two of them to construct a shelter and a fire so they can drink the water without fear of contaminants-

ROGUE: *interrupting* Fire’s done. Really helping to keep those nasty mosquitoes at bay.

CAMERA SHOWS A WELL-BUILT FIRE CRACKLING AWAY.

WOLVERINE: Shelter’s nearly there *grunts while slicing trees down*

ROGUE: I’ll finish that up if you want to grab some food.

WOLVERINE: *Lugging over trees to cleared area* Sure. Whaddya want?

ROGUE: *Shrugs* Surprise me.

NARRATOR: Things seem to be going well for Wolverine and Rogue. But little do they know the danger that is lurking just out of sight, waiting to strike!

ROGUE: *looking up* We can hear you. You know that, right?

WOLVERINE: *sniffs* There’s a caiman up ahead. Aggressive. Must have young ones close by.

ROGUE: Sounds good. Probably tastes like chicken. Used to have gator every one in awhile back home. It was good.

NARRATOR: As Rogue completes their shelter, she begins to construct a roof woven together from the copious and large jungle leaves nearby. As she reaches for her next leaf, without warning, a pit viper lashes out and sinks its teeth into her right forearm, striking deep and fast.

ROGUE: Well shit. That hurts.

WOLVERINE: *slinging dead and gutted caiman over his shoulder by the smoldering fire* You get bit?

ROGUE: Yeah. Stings.

NARRATOR: The cavalier attitude of the survivalists is surprising. The venom of a Panamanian pit viper causes severe immediate pain with rapid swelling of the affected area, trouble breathing, heart arrhythmia, confusion and shock. If not treated immediately, it can cause horrifically painful death.

WOLVERINE: Well then, come here a sec.

ROGUE: *sways a bit as she calmly moves toward Wolverine* Oooof.

WOLVERINE: Dizzy?

CAMERA ZOOMS TO CLOSE UP OF ROGUE’S FACE WHICH HAS GONE WHITE AS SHE NODS. THEN CLOSES IN ON WOLVERINE GRABBING HER ARM AND LIFTING IT TO HIS MOUTH.

WOLVERINE: Skin off?

CAMERA STRUGGLES TO FIND A GOOD ANGLE OF THE PAIR OF THEM, BUT JUST MANAGES TO SHOW A CLOSE UP OF WOLVERINE’S LIPS CLOSING OVER THE WOUND AND SUCKING FORCIBLY.

ROGUE: *Moans in pain*

WOLVERINE: *spits out venom* Tastes like shit. *continues sucking out the venom*

ROGUE: Feelin’ better now.

WOLVERINE: Not done yet. Out here that wound’ll fester. Skin on.

ROGUE: No.

WOLVERINE: Yes.

ROGUE: No!

WOLVERINE: Yes, or you ain’t gettin’ any dinner.

ROGUE: *sighs* Fine.

CAMERA SHOWS WOLVERINE SEEMING TO CONVULSE SLIGHTLY AS ROGUE ABSORBS HIS HEALING FACTOR AND THE BITE WOUND ON HER ARM CLOSES INSTANTLY.

ROGUE: *breaks free of Wolverine* I’m starvin’. That thing ready to eat yet?

WOLVERINE *shakes head to clear the effect of her mutation* Gotta cook it first.

DAY 10. 9:43 PM TEMPERATURE 97 DEGREES WITH 91% HUMIDITY

NARRATOR: Well. Our survivalists seem to be…thriving. The caiman are afraid of Wolverine. Rogue’s fire has kept the vicious mosquitoes and snakes away. Between the two of them, they can heal from just about anything in this damn jungle. Let’s see what they’re up to now. Maybe something interesting will happen…

WOLVERINE: Seriously?

ROGUE: You can’t judge me!

WOLVERINE: Ain’t much else to do here.

ROGUE: Drop it.

WOLVERINE: The swamp rat?

ROGUE: He was nice.

WOLVERINE *scoffs*

ROGUE: You wanna get into some of your more questionable choices in sleeping partners?

WOLVERINE: *grunts*

ROGUE: That’s what I thought.

WOLVERINE: How come you and I never –

ROGUE: *shrugs* Dunno, sugar.

WOLVERINE: You wanna…

ROGUE: *rolls eyes* Please. You’re just bored.

WOLVERINE: *grins wolfishly* Maybe I am. What else are we gonna do for the next eleven days?

ROGUE: Hmm. Nah.

WOLVERINE: Way to flatter my ego.

ROGUE: Sugar. Your ego doesn’t need a damn thing from me or anyone.

WOLVERINE: *snorts*

ROGUE: Now. Shut up and go to sleep.

DAY 14. 3:12 AM TEMPERATURE 67 DEGREES WITH 95% HUMIDITY, WINDCHILL 50 DEGREES

NARRATOR: A raging tropical storm has been pummeling Wolverine and Rogue for the past three days. Torrential rains and strong winds have caused the temperature to plummet. With Rogue unable to maintain their fire, the two have been forced to try and sleep next to each other for warmth.

ROGUE: Seriously? This is just the oldest, cheapest trick in the book.

WOLVERINE: I ain’t complainin’.

ROGUE: Well. Hmmph. It is warmer.

CAMERA SHOWS WOLVERINE SPOONING ROGUE, ARMS WRAPPED AROUND HER.

ROGUE: What’re you thinking about right now?

WOLVERINE: Dunno. You. This place. Why we’re here.

NARRATOR: Wolverine has sagely hit on a topic which Rogue has been thinking about for the past several days…

ROGUE: -The hell kinda narration is this?! You can read my thoughts now?

NARRATOR: …as she ponders their past relationship, she can’t help but wonder why the two of them are here together. Not her and Remy. Not Wolverine and Jean.

ROGUE: Ugh. I hate them. Doesn’t make any goddamn sense.

WOLVERINE: Who?

ROGUE: Never mind. Just. Keep your arms around me.

WOLVERINE: Glad to.

DAY 18. 4:08 PM TEMPERATURE 87 DEGREES WITH 90% HUMIDITY

ROGUE: Think we oughta get up?

WOLVERINE: *grunts*

ROGUE: Start thinkin’ about makin’ that raft?

WOLVERINE: *grunts*

CAMERA SHOWS WOLVERINE SLOWLY RUNNING ONE FINGER UP ROGUE’S STOMACH.

ROGUE: Oh. Well. We can always do that tomorrow.

WOLVERINE: Still have three days. You really wanna waste ‘em on buildin’ a raft?

ROGUE: *smiles* When you put it like that…

NARRATOR: It’s obvious our two survivalists have deepened and strengthened their relationship…ahem. And quite physically too, I might add..

WOLVERINE: You better shut yer mouth, bub, before I shut it for you.

NARRATOR: …but will their decision to neglect building a raft and instead focus on…erm…their newly found physical closeness lower their overall PSR and prevent them from being extracted?

ROGUE: We’re gonna make a raft out of you if you don’t can it!

NARRATOR:…Only time will tell!

DAY 21. 5:22 AM TEMPERATURE 76 DEGREES WITH 82% HUMIDITY

NARRATOR: Day 21. Wolverine and Rogue have already completed the grueling thirty-mile hike through the dangerous jungle, carrying their hastily built raft along with them. They now face a ten-mile ocean voyage to their extraction point. Will their raft hold up to the relentless crash of the waves?

ROGUE: Know what?

WOLVERINE: No.

ROGUE: I don’t think we need to do this stupid ocean voyage.

WOLVERINE: No?

NARRATOR: *nervously* Of course you do! I mean, of course Wolverine and Rogue have to go through with the ocean voyage. How else will they get extracted?

ROGUE: *Glares upward in general direction of narrator* No. I think we get to just pop right out of this place, the way we popped in.

WOLVERINE: *menacingly* Yeah?

ROGUE: *nodding enthusiastically* Yeah.

NARRATOR: Um. Guys? You can’t…it-it doesn’t work like that.

WOLVERINE: Think it’ll work like that if I use these on ya *snikt*

NARRATOR: Shit.

ROGUE: *smiling sweetly* Yeah, and unless you fancy getting’ blown around on the breeze like an empty husk after I suck you dry, then I suggest you wrap up this little show –

WOLVERINE: - right the hell now.

NARRATOR: Eeek! Um. Yes. Yes! I, ah-I have the results of the experts’ reassessment of your primitive survival ratings!

WOLVERINE: *glares* Better be good, bub.

NARRATOR: Yes! Perfect scores. Wolverine and Rogue have each been issued a 10.0 for their ability to survive naked and afr-

WOLVERINE: *GROWLS*

NARRATOR: -To survive naked and UNAFRAID.

ROGUE: Good. Now. Poof us out of here, back to the mansion. I’ve got a hot date with the longest shower ever.

WOLVERINE: Room for one more?

ROGUE: *appraisingly* Yeah. Alright.

CAMERA CUTS TO BLACK. ROLL CREDITS.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys liked this! I certainly needed a good laugh today, and I'm sure some of you could use one too. Let me know your thoughts in the comments. Cheers!


End file.
